Lights! Camera! Danger!
Sheen: reading "Enter the completely legitimate Hollywood Screenplay Contest." *'Libby': reading "Winning script will get made by famous Hollywood director." *'Carl': reading "If you can read this sign, you, too, can write a movie." *'Jimmy': What a scam! *'Libby': I can write a movie. *'Cindy': Me, too! *'Carl': Yeah. *'Sheen': I can read. *'Jimmy': Are you serious? You would enter a lame contest like that? *'Cindy': Just because you couldn't enter it... *'Jimmy': Why couldn't I? *'Cindy': Oh, please, when they were passing out creativity, you were locked in the little nerds' room. *'Libby': Remember his awful short story? *''to the dream of Jimmy'' *'Jimmy': "Call it fate," Ursula said, finishing her pastrami sandwich. "No," Lance said, "Call it binomial expansion." *''scream with laughter, then cut back to the street'' *'Cindy': And remember his painting? *''to the dream of Cindy, holding a pony picture, then Sheen, holding the alien picture, then Jimmy, holding up a picture, then they laugh, then cut back to the street'' *'Sheen': And remember his opera? *'Carl': Don't even... *'Cindy': That was horrible. *'Libby': Yeah, don't go there. *'Cindy': Face it, Neutron. You rule math and science, but you have the creativity of a tree stump. *'Jimmy': Oh, yeah?! We'll see about that. Cut. Exit scene. Fade out. *'Sheen': What the heck he's talking about? *'Carl': Got me, that was creepy. *'Jimmy': I'll show those guys. How hard can it be to write a "screenplay"? How hard can it be to write a "screenplay"? *''his hands to the keyboard, then cut to "6 Hours Later" time card, tapping on the keyboard, screaming'' *'Jimmy': Wait a minute, I have to approach this scientifically. Goddard, download the most successful movies and let me watch them at hyperspeed. *''barks, walking to the screen of the MGM logo, saying, "ARS GARTIA ARTIS"'' *'Man': I'm king of the... *'Boy': Precious... *'Man': May the force be... *'Boy': Home... *'Man': Box of chocolates... There is no try... Nemo! To infinity and... We left Kevin! And you little dog, too! *'Jimmy': Got to blast! *''back to the street'' *'Cindy': So, what's your movie about, Libs? *'Libby': My movie's called Cappuccino Jones. Hip Hop singer by day, fashion designer FBI agent by night. on the mailbox *'Carl': Well, my movie's about a handsome, buff llama rancher who's in love with a beautiful older woman named Judy. *'Sheen': Hey, isn't Judy's mom named Judy? *'Carl': Uh, no, I made that name up. *'Sheen': I couldn't think of anything, so I just stapled some pages of the phone book together. I call it, Attack of the People Named Frank Johnson! *'Cindy': Mine's about a beautiful blonde girl who gets perfect grades and is extremely popular. *'Jimmy': So it's a complete work of fantasy. *'Cindy': Very hilarious. And what did Mr. No Talent write? *'Jimmy': Ah, just a little something I call The World's Greatest Movie. in the mailbox And that's a wrap. Cut. Print it. *'Sheen': Man, what is wrong with him? *''atom transitions into school'' *'Sheen': Seven? A monkey? Creamed corn?! *'Ms. Fowl': No! The answer is "George Washington"! *'Willoughby': Excuse me, Miss Fowl, but we have a phone call from Quentin Smithee the director in Hollywood. He's chosen the winner of the screenplay contest. *'Sheen': Yes! Quentin, baby. Sheen here. I knew you'd love it. What do you think about the title? "Jimmy Won, You Imbecile"? That's a dumb title! *'Jimmy': the phone Give me that. Hello. Thanks, Mr. Smithee. Okay. See you soon. Ciao. Hmm, seems I won the contest. Anything you'd like to say, Cindy? *'Cindy': I'm very happy for you. *'Ms. Fowl': screen Cindy, stop clawing your desk! *''atom transition into a banner, saying, "WELCOME QUENTIN SMITHEE"'' *'Carl': Now that you're a big Hollywood screenwriter, are you going to remember us little people? *'Jimmy': And your name is, uh... *''whines'' *'Jimmy': Oh, I'm just kidding. It's Rob, right? *'Smithee': by Carl and Jimmy My name is Quentin Smithee, and I'm here to rock your cinematic world. *''all cheer'' *'Smithee': Mr. Neutron, let me just say that this is the best action-adventure-science-fiction-fantasy-martial arts-historical-romance script I've ever read. *'Jimmy': Thanks! *'Smithee': And I have a surprise for you all. I'm shooting the entire movie in Retroville. *''all gasp, then he takes a picture'' *'Jimmy': But Mr. Smithee, my story takes place in London, the Atlantic Ocean, a mythical world and Texas. Retroville doesn't look like any of those. *'Smithee': It's called paint, kid, it's cheap and it comes in a can. Now, as far as casting, this script is to real for actors, so I'm gonna use the actual residents in Retroville. *''all gasp'' *'Smithee': I want you, you, you, you, and you. *'Jimmy': I'm in the movie, too? *'Carl': This is so great! *'Cindy': I'm a movie star! *'Sheen': I'll be bigger than Erik Estrada. *'Smithee': Now, for my crew: Who wants to spend long hours for no money doing whatever I tell you to? *'Crowd': Me! I do! I do! *'Smithee': See you on set tomorrow at 6:00. down *'Hugh': Please let me be in your movie, Mr. Smithee. I'll do anything, anything! *'Smithee': Sure, you can be Donut Boy. Now get off my car. *'Hugh': Donut Boy? Is the movie called The Adventures of Donut Boy? *'Smithee': No, you bring donuts to the set. Now, get off my car! *'Hugh': off the car I pretend to be Donut Boy, but actually I'm an undercover cop who lives by his own rules, I love it! Can you drop me off at my house? *''car drives away by Hugh'' *'Hugh': Uh, this is fine. See you tomorrow! *''atom transitions into people walking down'' *'Ms. Fowl': Libby, you look ten years younger in this makeup. *'Libby': What?! I don't want to look one. *'Willoughby': Oh, these costumes are scrumptious! You just can't go wrong with basic black. *'Smithee': Ready to make some magic, people? Hook them up. *'Bolbi': Bolbi hooking up. *'Smithee': Okay, okay, now, now for this scene, right, you'll be suspended on microscopic safety wires. *'Carl': Uh, shouldn't we be using stunt people for this? *'Smithee': What, you mean, fake it? No way, man, no. The cool actors do their own stunts. *'Carl': I don't want to be cool. *'Jimmy': Mr. Smithee, this scene on a ship in the Atlantic Ocean. *'Smithee': And? *'Jimmy': We're on a roof. *'Smithee': Oh, he not only writes, he has eyeballs. What a find! *'Bolbi': Bolbi say, "Quiet, set!" Light go on! Camera roll! *'Butch': Mr. Smithee, how do I start this thing? *'Smithee': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... *'Nick': Um, director, dude, I'm picking up a weird gurgling sound. *'Smithee': Cut! *'Carl': Okay, so I didn't have any breakfast. I was kind of nervous about the movie... *'Smithee': Donut Boy! *'Hugh': Are you ready for my scene? Okay, I've been practicing, listen. I got your cream-filled, double-glazed right here. *'Smithee': Yeah. Feed it! *''throws a donut at Carl'' *'Carl': Ow. Hmm... a donut *'Smithee': You, go jump in a lake. *'Hugh': To practice for the big underwater scene? Gotcha. down *'Smithee': And action! *'Carl': Zero, you are the chosen one. The world is a computer simulation. Now, let's take a cruise on this brand new ocean liner! *'Sheen': Forget the cruise, today we fight. *''all fight, swinging around, then they fall down, then they gasp, then they continue falling down'' *'Jimmy': Quick, quick, grab hands! *'Sheen': He's got sticky doughnut stuff all over him! *''continue falling down'' *'Sheen': Hurry up, Jimmy! *''continue falling down, then they carry up to the building falling down'' *'Sheen': That was unsettling. *'Cindy': Another few seconds and we'd have been toast. *'Carl': Yeah, not the good kind of toast either, with the chewy crust and real butter on the top... *'Libby': You think Smithee knows what he's doing? *'Jimmy': Of course he does! You guys just don't know how true artists work. *'Smithee': Are you all right? If you feel horrible, just terrible, how could that happen? What a shame. Too bad. So glad no one got hurt. Accidents will happen. Isn't movie making thrilling? Okay, moving on! Next scene. *'Bolbi': Bolbi say, move, people! Time is the money! *''atoms transition into Retroland amusement park'' *'Smithee': Okay, okay, now, in this scene you begin a quest to find the mystical and all-powerful Lord of the Rugs. *'Jimmy': Uh, Mr. Smithee, this scene was supposed to take place on a misty mountaintop with everyone riding white stallions. *'Smithee': Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, but when I read it, it just screamed "roller coaster." *'Jimmy': But when I wrote it, I had a vision that... *'Smithee': Oh, writer versus director. Hmm, I win. *'Cindy': Hey, wait a minute. This is a love scene? I have to kiss... Neutron! *'Bolbi': Bolbi say let's get this show on the highway! *'Hugh': I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Smithee. high voice We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious doughnut ring. No, no, master, not listening. I hate you. I hate you, too. *'Smithee': Donut Boy, take a hike! *'Hugh': So I look all sweaty for the big action scenes?! Love it! *'Cindy': You planned this all along, Neutron. You wanted to kiss me. *'Jimmy': Hey, hey, hey, I didn't know any of us were going to be in this movie. But make sure you do justice to the material. *'Cindy': Just remember I'm acting. I'm not enjoying this. *'Smithee': And action! *''start on their roller coaster'' *'Jimmy': One rug to rule them all, one rug to bind them, one rug to bring them all and one rug to cover up that spot in the living room. *'Cindy': Kiss me, my love, before we are attacked by dinosaurs, aliens, pirates and gladiators! *'Jimmy': Wait! Stop! *'Cindy': What? Oh, you big-headed... Oh, I was in the moment! *'Jimmy': We're about to fly off the tracks! Hold on! Goddard, deploy crash pad! *''runs down, then they all slide down, then Goddard opens a mattress'' *'Jimmy': Everybody, jump on three! *'Sheen': Where's my stunt double? *'Jimmy': One, two, three... *''all jump off the roller coaster, landing on a mattress'' *'Smithee': Are you okay? Oh, man. I'm so sorry; heads will roll. Well, see you tomorrow, bring smiles. *'Cindy': We just almost got killed again. *'Sheen': Yeah, if it wasn't for the free food, I quit! *'Jimmy': You can't quit our movie, I mean, our movie. *'Libby': Who is this Quentin Smithee, got anyway? Has anyone ever heard of him? *'Jimmy': Of coruse, he's very famous. He made that movie, you know, with that actor, and it had that scene. Goddard, data check: Quentin Smithee. *''opens a screen'' *'Libby': "No match." *'Jimmy': He's a young, fresh, undiscovered talent? *''all walk away by Jimmy, then Carl falls on Jimmy, then the atom transitions into a trailer car'' *'Smithee': Darn that Jimmy Neutron! Well, another little "accident" on the set will take care of that. I will destroy Jimmy Neutron and his friends or my name isn't... *'Calamitous': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. laughing Ho-ho-ho. *''to black, then Calamitous laughs'' *'Calamitous': Pretending to make a movie to get rid of Jimmy Neutron is a boy genius. They ruined my plans before, but they will not ruin this one. a knock Just a... Oh, um... throat, in a deep voice Just a minute! back in Smithee *'Jimmy': Mr. Smithee, we have a little problem. The other actors want to quit. *'Smithee': Why? *'Jimmy': Well, I'm guessing it was either falling off the 40-story building or almost crashing on the roller coaster. *'Smithee': Oh, what a bunch of babies! *'Jimmy': I know, I told them making great art can be dangerous, but they won't listen. *'Smithee': I'll speak to the others. *''atom transitions into the kids'' *'Smithee': Okay, you guys, look. I know you've almost been killed two times in the past 24 hours. But that was the past, it's a new day, a new scene. Any questions? *'Carl': Um, yes. Are you going to finish that croissant? *'Smithee': Knock yourself out. a croissant to Carl Let me assure you that nothing can possibly go wrong in this next scene, because it's a big musical number. *'Libby': We get to sing and dance? *'Sheen': And shake our tail feathers? *'Jimmy': Hold on, there's no musical number in my script. *'Smithee': Studio wanted it. You're gonna love it. Now... *'Hugh': Hey, Quentin! Is this the scene where Doughnut Boy sings the Doughnut Boy theme song? Hmm? of Hugh dancing Who's the super-cool cop, that always gets the bad guys? Doughnut Boy. That's me, yeah. He brings a delicious assortment of sweet delights? Doughnut Boy! Got a creamy filling. *'Smithee': to Hugh No, this is the scene where you get lost! *'Hugh': Doughnut Boy goes missing to increase the suspense. I love it! Bye-bye now. *'Smithee': All right, let's do this! Five, six, seven, eight! *''lights turn on'' *'Libby': singing Come on, boys, we've got to stop that ghost, and save the day. *'Cindy': singing Halt the alien invasion, or we'll be toast, and save the day. *'Sheen': singing Destroy the sinkhole forming lava before the cyborgs march. *'Carl': singing Get rid of the mummies, save the seven dwarfs. *'Both': singing Win the big fight at the coliseum. Put the dead guys back in the mansoleum. *'Jimmy': singing Blow up the shark and find the ark. *'All': singing And save the day! *'Sheen': Ya-cha-cha-cha! *''continue dancing'' *'Smithee': softly And now for the big finish. a button *''hats fly off of their heads, laughing, putting blades on the hat, then they scream, flying to the people, running away, then they duck, then they run by a car'' *'Jimmy': Stay down! I can take them out with my watch! 'a button, firing the hats *''all sigh'' *'Smithee': Calamitous Curse that Jimmy and his inventions. How hard can it be to eliminate five obnoxious kids? normal Sorry! Those hats must have been left over from my last film, When Hats Attack. *'Libby': I am out of here! *'Cindy': Your script is not worth getting killed over. *'Sheen': Yeah, maybe wounded, but not killed! *'Jimmy': Good guys, the odds of another accident happening are 1,456,782 to one. *'Sheen': Hmm, nah! *'Jimmy': But, but my movie... Sorry, did I say "my" again? We can get other actors, right? *'Smithee': No, no, impossible, they're irreplaceable. Cindy is Princess Butterface. No, we got to get all of them back. *'Jimmy': Okay, I'll get them. They're not going to stop this movie. We're not dead yet. down *'Smithee': Calamitous No, but you will be. laughing *'Sheen': Okay, I'm not saying I would have won the Oscar, but I would have been nominated. *'Jimmy': There you all are. Look, I know we've had some minor mishaps, but I'll guarantee your safety. We have to finish my Movie. *'All': Our movie! *'Jimmy': Right. Sam, another round on me. Come on, you could be movie stars. Think of it: limousines, swimming pools. *'Sheen': Monkeys? *'Jimmy': By the barrel full. *'Sheen': I'm in! *'Cindy': No way, forget it. We almost got killed three times. *'Jimmy': Guys, just think of the Hollywood parties, with those little weenies on the little buns. Fashion designers begging you to wear their clothes. Your face on a screen 20 feet high. *'Sheen': And the monkeys! Tell me about the monkeys, Jim. *'Jimmy': Monkeys as far as the eye can see. So will you do it for your old pal? Will you do it for the Jimster? at the kids *'All': softly No! *'Cindy': But, we'll do it for the fame and fortune. *'Sheen': And the monkeys! Are they spider monkeys? Can they open up bananas with their teeth? *''pushes Sheen, then the atom transitions into the Pigpimples School'' *'Smithee': Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, the climax of our film. This is where you become magicians at Pigpimples School, visit a dinosaur park and rescue the ruby slippers. *'All': What? *'Smithee': He wrote it. I just directing. All right, I decided to set this scene in the 13th century, and they didn't have watches, so I'll take this, and here's your magic wand. *'Cindy': This isn't left over from a movie called, When Sticks Shoot 50-Foot Flames, is it? *'Jimmy': Goddard, analyse. *''analyses the stick, opening the screen, saying, "SCANNING: COMPLETE"'' *'Jimmy': It's just a piece of wood. *'Smithee': That reminds me. I know how sensitive how a robotic dog's ears can be. You! Get that mutt off the set! *'Bolbi': Striking the doggy! Goddard *'Smithee': Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, follow me. *''atoms transition into Jimmy'' *'Jimmy': Um, Quentin, I noticed you made some changes to this scene, 87 to be exact, and there's no ending. *'Smithee': Oh, yeah, there'll be an ending trust me. *'Jimmy': But shouldn't we know what it is? *'Smithee': Oh, let's just have fun with it. Lights, camera, action! *'Jimmy': So, you are the evil one whose name is really hard to pronounce. *'Carl': Yes, and this is the end of you, Perry Bladder. *'Jimmy': Klaatu Barada Nikto! *'Smithee': josytick around Oh, crumpets! What's the matter with this? Nothing ever works. Calamitous Oh, why can't I ever... *'Jimmy': Finish anything? The half-eaten croissant, he forgot to write and ending; no record of "Quentin Smithee"; he didn't know to start the camera, it's, it's... *'Calamitous': Professor Finbar Calamitous. *''hides with Libby and Cindy'' *'Calamitous': And welcome to the last scene of the movie and your lives. the button *''viper appears, then they all scream, then the viper slithers at the kids, screaming, laughing, then they run away from the viper'' *'Hugh': Quentin, baby! I'm back and I'm ready for my next big scene! around Hey, Gramps, have you seen Quentin around here? *'Jimmy': Help! trying to fight the viper Help! *'Hugh': Oh, I bet this is the scene where Donut Boy saves the day. Come on, big, giant, uh, slither beast! Taste the sugary fury of Donut Boy! on the viper Butch, you getting the good side. *'Calamitous': Doughnut Boy, you've made your last delivery. *'Jimmy': Wait a minute. Donuts! *'Sheen': No, thanks! *'Jimmy': No, no, the gooey glaze of those doughuts could short-circuit the wiring on that snake. Dad, throw your doughnuts in the snake's mouth! *'Hugh': I don't think my character would do that! All right, you're the writer. off the viper, throwing doughnuts to the snake Eat doughnuts, you fiend! in the viper Honey-glazed! Chocolate! Chocolate with sprinkles! Lemon custard! a doughnut in the viper *''mouth zaps in the viper'' *'Calamitous': No! No, no, no, no! No! *''viper lands on Calamitous'' *'Calamitous': I hate show business. *''viper lands on Calamitous again'' *'Jimmy': Cut! That's a wrap. *'Hugh': laughing That was totally cool! Yeah, well, you know I'd love to stay and chat, but I'd better get back to the house and wait for my fan mail. *'Calamitous': to get out of the snake Get me out of here! *'Jimmy': No problem. I'll get you out there and back to your nice warm jail cell! *''atom transitions into a street'' *'Calamitous': I'll get you, Jimmy Neutron, and when I do, I'm going to do something really... *''policeman throws Calamitous in the car'' *'Calamitous': Well, evil, of course. That goes without saying. *''policeman punches Calamitous in the car'' *'Calamitous': I'll have to get back to you on the specifics. *''policeman closes the door'' *'Jimmy': Well, it looks like Calamitous only did my screenplay to destroy us. I guess I don't have any artistic talent. *'All': softly Nope! *'Libby': Still, it's too bad we couldn't finish the movie. *'Jimmy': Hey, maybe we can. We still have the camera and film. This time we'll do it exactly the way I wrote it. *'Cindy': No way! This time we do our movies. *''atom transitions into a movie theater, watching the movie'' *'Carl': Judy, my love, this ranch and all my llamas could be yours if you'd marry me. *'Cindy': I can't. I'm too blonde, too smart and too popular. *'Libby': around Hold up, y'all. Cappuccino Jones is here to bring the sass and kick out the jams. *'Sheen': Behold, I am the Monkey King. I command you all to dance! Dance, I say! Dance! *''monkeys dance around Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius Transcripts